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---
template=post
title=trying
---
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<p>
i find i have a lot of shame in who i am, how i am, and how far i am from who i want to be.
</p>
<p>
so who do i want to be?
</p>
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<p>
i want to be someone i like. i want to be beautiful to my own eyes; i want to like my appearance. is that vain?
it might be, but vanity is only bad when it's in excess. vanity is useful and productive. it's beneficial for
your self image, is it not? and i think that would help me...
</p>
<p>
be confident, which is something i want to be. i want to be proud of who i am, the things i make, and how i
exist. because if i don't like who i am or what i'm doing, why do anything?
</p>
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<p>
it's august twentieth at nearly three o'clock in the morning. i'm tired, but not too tired. i need to do work
because the last thing i did was over a week ago and i am terrified, just very afraid, of loosing my job.
</p>
<p>
i like my job. i really, really do. i am privileged and lucky and undeserving. i need to take this advantage
and get all i can from it. i don't like "deserve" as a concept, even though i said i didn't this. i need to
prove to myself this is something i can do and should be doing, because i am not okay day-to-day.
</p>
<p>
i end every day staying awake telling myself i'm going to work. i never do. this is how i acted with my
homework in high-school. i can do this, i <i>know</i> i can. i just need to. i have to.
</p>
<p>
it's embarrassing, really. well, it is to me. how little i can control my brain. every day. every day i want
to work, do the job i need to do, but i just can't get myself to. it's like i'm not in control of my body. i
just make vague suggestions which are acknowledged, but dismissed. a pilot just coasting in their aeroplane,
about to crash into the sea, with hardly any control of the thing.
</p>
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</svg>
<p>
so what is this? this page here?
</p>
<p>
i don't really know. it's telling myself i want to improve? to be better? be a person? i won't list it on my
index, <a href="https://nyble.dev">nyble.dev</a>, but i'll leave it unlisted. come back here, it might act as a little
sub-index, blog-home kind of thing.
</p>
<ol style="list-style-position: inside;">
<li>maybe?</li>
<li>there might be posts here.</li>
</ol>
<p>
i'm trying. i really am. i will. i have to remember. <i>to</i> do it. and that i <i>can</i> do it.
</p>
<p style="text-align: right; margin: 24px 0">
Yours,
<br>
Gen & Mel
<br>
<i>Mercy of Inann</i>
</p>
|
